Kenneth Olson.org

Relating From The Inside Out

When it comes to improving our relationships, most of us automatically focus on what we should or shouldn’t do to relate to others. My concern is that we do this at the expense of overlooking what is perhaps the most important factor in great relationships – THE HEART!

 I’m not referring to the beating muscle inside your chest comprised of a series of valves pumping blood to the various parts of your body, but the center core of who we are.

The part of us that feels, makes choices, wills to do and is the fertile ground for our hopes, dreams and aspirations. Proverbs 4:23 declares, keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. (AMP)

In everyday language this is saying, your life (and relationships) is the product of what germinates and grows in your heart. You could say, the condition of your heart determines the quality of your relationships.

The problem is, too often we neglect our hearts and allow them to grow hard and indifferent toward God and people. God intended our hearts to be a free-flowing conduit of His life, love and power. Not some calloused over, closed off place where nothing enters and exits.

The writer of Hebrews warns, do not harden your hearts as did the Children of Israel who as a result missed out on everything God prepared for them.

So how do we guard our heart? One thing is for sure, you can’t control circumstances or what others do. At times, people will disappoint us, reject us and mistreat us so it’s not a matter of protecting ourselves from every outside interaction.

But we can guard ourselves from the inside out; that’s the key. We can choose how we respond to disappointment, how to process rejection and what a negative experience will mean to us. This begins by doing three things well:

 1. Watch What You Think

Ninety plus percent of all relational conflict is rooted in misunderstanding. Communication between two people is imperfect at it’s best, so it’s easy to misjudge, to think negatively about others and end up with an attitude, even unforgiveness toward others. It’s always helped me to hold tightly to the truth love is ever ready to believe the best of every person - 1 Corinthians 13:7.

 2. Keep A Clear Conscience

Always obey and live responsive to your conscience. When it comes to how to relate or communicate with poeple your heart is your greatest coach. On the flip side, when you ignore your conscience you leave unfinished business and a gaping whole for the enemy to create conflict and division.

3. Forgive Unconditionally

It’s inevitable, at some point most likely yet this week, someone will rub you the wrong way, cause you disappointment or mistreat you requiring you to forgive.

Here’s the deal, forgiveness is not a feeling, but a choice and because of that, we should decide ahead of time that nothing anyone does regardless of how severe or how frequent will keep us from freely forgiving.

Remember, marriage or a friendship is a union between two good forgivers.

"I Do" I Did...Now What?

The last couple weeks I’ve been teaching on the topic of marriage and I can honestly say each time I talk about the subject God is personally challenges me to change and go deeper in relating to those He's brought into my life.

So many people wander through life interfacing and interacting with others, but never find authentic connection. For many, healthy relationships become the elusive thing in their life, so they try harder, but never quite unlock the potential of God-ordained friendships and marriages.

Sadly because of this, it cuts them off from the primary way God brings life, healing and purpose into our lives.

With relationships, it’s not a matter of “working harder at it”, instead, it’s about getting smarter and developing our own relational intelligence. When it comes to marriage here are four essential requirements to building up and making a marriage healthy, strong and able to go the distance.

 1) Be totally committed – too many couples live with the “D” word hanging over their heads and it destabilizes the relationship. Without a sure foundation, there’s nothing to build on and it’s difficult to trust.

 2) Submit to one another – you will never take your marriage to the next level until you learn to prefer your spouse and put their needs before your own. Health comes into a relationship when you let them out rank you, when we die to our self-centered ways.

 3) Make love not war – most of us understand the importance of loving each other, but the question is, “are we communicating that love in a way our spouse can receive it”? Men and woman receive love in different ways and because of that we need to seek to understand each other’s love language and learn to speak them fluently.

4) Give a little respect – both love and respect should be unconditional in marriage. Make it you daily task to fight the disease of familiarity. Familiarity will always limit or hold a relationship in shallow place however, respect and honor provide the fertile ground for our spouse's hopes, dreams and potential to germinate and grow.

 

A Model For Relating

I really never thought of Him this way before, but Jesus was the most relationally savvy person to ever walk the planet! He was a genius when it came to interacting with others.

Reading through the Gospel accounts of His life and ministry, I’m taken not only by how compelling His communication was, but also His amazing ability to see people.

He was patient and sincere when listening to people. He noticed the meaning and emotion behind people’s words and fully took in what was being communicated verbally and non-verbally.

One of my primary images of Jesus is one of an articulate and commanding communicator, and while I’m certain He was, I think it’s important to point out His quiet, unassuming and intuitive ability to read the moment and respond in wisdom.

For me, the classic example of this is found in John chapter 8. It’s the account of the woman caught in the act of adultery who was brought to the feet of Jesus by religious leaders.

I’ve often thought I would love to see this narrative played out in slow motion on the big screen.

If you read the passage for yourself, you’ll notice Jesus wasn’t in a hurry to communicate for a response. He listened to what was being said and skillfully discerned the situation He found Himself in and with the Spirit’s help, responded in wisdom.

No doubt there’s a pattern here to becoming relationally intelligent. Jesus displayed a genuine interested in people, patiently listened, discerned the true issues behind what was said and responds.

The result was truth, power and changed lives!

Devoted To Fellowship

As Authentic Life Church has continued to grow, I’ve been thrilled to see new relationships born and true community taking place. In my mind it’s one of the most important indicators of a healthy church. 

The early church regularly devoted themselves to “fellowship”. In fact the Greek word “devoted” carries a strong sense that they “constantly and in persistent fashion” gave themselves to intimate connection with others.

And I think understandably so; because it’s in community where we find protection against deception and accountability to each other which is perhaps the greatest weapon we have against sin.

Additionally, it’s in community where you’re most likely to grow spiritually. Research has shown it’s not only how much Word you hear or how many church services you attend that produces spiritual growth, but how many spiritually like-minded friends you have. 

Think about this for a minute, Acts 2:42 tells us the first-century church participated daily in four things, the apostles teaching, fellowship, sharing in meals and prayer. It’s not coincidental that half of their daily activity revolved around connecting with others. 

What always helps me is to remember the fullness of God’s anointing and blessing for my life that will cause spiritual growth is not found in myself, instead in community!

God-Ordained Relationships

I heard some interesting statics last night on the subject relationships and the people we encounter everyday. It showed the following:

• 25% of the people we meet will not like us and never will.
• 25% of the people we meet will not like, but might be persuaded to. 
• 25% of the people we meet will like us, but could be persuaded not to.  
• 25% of the people we meet will like us and be loyal to us in the long term.

These numbers remind me of the importance of discerning and cultivating God-ordained relationships. Relationships that go beyond just acquaintance and traverse the seasons of our lives.  Although enjoyable on the surface, they have a greater purpose - to energize and produce the will of God in our lives.

So important to recognize these relationships and place a premium on them. For me, there are a few long-time relationships God has used to speak into my life. People who've inspired me to get on course and stay on course for God. Friends who've been with me through thick and thin, trial and tribulation and who are loyal to the end.

It's these relationships that are truly priceless, helping us navigate through life's mazes and difficulties, and cause us bloom with God's eternal purpose. Because of this, they should receive a place of high importance and attention in our lives.

Do you know who these people are in your life?